Falling

I think I am slipping again. Falling back into old ways and behaviors. Pleasing others, accommodating their needs over mine and running myself a bit ragged.

It is not as bad as it once was, but as I sit here typing this, I am exhausted and I have done nothing, NOTHING for myself today and it is nearly 5 p.m. That is not to say that I have not had fun or been with people I enjoy but when it comes to the things that need to be accomplished to move my life forward the pile remains to be handled. Evidently at some later date.

It is my own fault and I know it. It is old habits coming back to settle in because there is a perceived void, and a void must be filled. When you do not know what the future holds and you are not actively pursuing new avenues, all the old behaviors come fluttering back in. Soon that flutter becomes gale force winds and before you know it you are standing in giant drifts of other people’s needs, wants and desires.

The good news is that I noticed it. I arrived back home from a morning and afternoon of others and was simply worn out. The thought of doing what I needed to do for me was too much. I was spent and the weird part was that I had been happy and content while being out and about. I came in and realized that I had no energy to get about doing what I need to do and want to complete, there was nothing left for me. I had given it all away without a clue I was doing it.

So, I have done a few things to right this ship.  I am writing and writing about what went wrong. This gives me perspective and serves as a reminder.  Next, I forgave myself for falling back into old patterns and praised myself for coming in to sit down and write about my insight. Finally, I am going to consciously take inventory of what I would like to see happen and practice the art of saying NO to anything that stands in the way.

Wish me luck and thanks for listening.

P.S. If this blog isn’t long enough you can blame all the people who lured me to give myself away.