Judgement

It seems to be an aspect of human nature to care what others think of us or think about us. The perceived judgement, which could also be real, hangs heavily over many. The “they think I am not…..fill in the blank” often runs people’s stories.

We are all judged daily. By others and more importantly by ourselves. So much of what we believe to be the opinion of others is actually a self-condemnation that is projected outward, perhaps as a form of self-preservation.  When we are not acting at what we perceive to be our best we often take that self-judgement and assign it to family, friends, co-workers, even strangers.

Not long ago I was talking with a friend who was processing through some concerns and issues. The way in which they were telling their story and then asking for insight lead me to believe that they were asking for some life coaching.  I, of course, jumped into the deep end and began to share what I heard them saying.  At the end of what I thought was helpful, I was told that what they heard was I thought they were not working hard enough or being focused. I shared that I had no dog in the hunt I was simply mirroring back what I heard them saying. I did not have an opinion one way or the other.  They again stated how they believed I felt.  I pointed out that their analysis of me had nothing to do with their own low self-esteem in that moment.  All I had done was give voice to what I was hearing them say. I ended the conversation by reiterating that I felt they were doing a great job, but obviously they did not feel that way about themselves.  My final comment was “Don’t attach my name to your low self-esteem.”

It sounded a bit harsh at the time and I am sure that it also sounded that way to them, but I loved the fact that I had identified what is usually the issue.  We are beating ourselves up about choices, decisions, behaviors and situations but it is so much easier to take that critical self-analysis and place it on another.  Maybe it just makes it more obvious when we can look at it outside of ourselves or we can be angry at someone else. It is a form of victimhood. We all love to throw a good pity party from time to time, but when you come right down to it, no one can make you feel how you do not want to feel. You still have choice.

Take a few minutes the next time you perceive someone has hurt you or made you feel less than. Really look at why you are reacting. What button, belief or wound did they hit? Then figure out how to remove it.  Stop hurting your own feelings.