The Answer May Surprise You

Codependence is a very good mechanism to avoid having to deal with your own reality. 

As you race about putting out fires, caring for others, controlling the situation, worrying about others’ choices, you are not spending very much time on your own needs. This is not to say that you are not dealing with your life or what needs to happen, but rather you are perhaps denying yourself the opportunity to go deeper into your own desires or hopes. 

But perhaps that is the whole point of being codependent, you do not have to go too deeply into yourself and what you hope and dream. You may have the illusion that you are fully focused on your own work, but how can that be possible when so much of your headspace, time, and energy are going into others? 

A big part of caring for others is analyzing them so that you may “help” them to accomplish their tasks, pay their bills, make the right decision or whatever the concern may be for their wellbeing. Take a moment to think about how much of your time is dedicated to those outside of yourself. We all have times in our lives when our energy must be externally focused, especially when children are young or someone has a greater need. It is knowing how to balance that time that is key. 

Too often we are exhausted and breathless from trying to get our own work done around the needs of others.  Take a bit of time to think about when you are getting your actual work done. That work may be simply taking time to rest and reflect, and it can also be your job. The tendency is to put the needs of others before your own and then sandwich in the things you truly need to get done.  How many of you have been up until midnight or getting up at 4 a.m. to “get everything done?” Is that necessary or are you allowing others to fill up your schedule. 

This all came about the other day when I asked myself, “What is my reality?” That may seem like an odd question, but it is intentionally broad to include many answers.  For some it may cause you to examine your behavior by taking a step back and truly looking at the chaos or exhaustion your have created.  For me it came from the realization that part of my codependence was helping others create their “reality” when it was not mine to do.  I often ran from person to person attempting to make their dreams come true or to dig them out of some circumstance of their own making. As I reran some of those moments, I was surprised to see it as reality rather than need. I had perceived that they wanted or needed something, and they may have even asked me to make it happen, but in actuality it had little to nothing to do with me. What had I put aside for them? 

Then came the question I do not think I ever asked myself, what did I want? What had I hoped to create for myself? It was not asked from a place of martyrdom or victimhood or regret rather it was a wonderful “aha” moment. I could do for myself that which I had done for others. Why had I not? Did I not think I was worth it? Was I not enough of a risk taker? Was it easier to care for others and not have to take control of my own path?  

Codependence takes you out of your own game and makes you head coach of someone else’s. Maybe managing their lives is better because in the end you can wash your hands of it if it does not turn out as you had hoped.  You did not fail, they did. It also leaves you on the sidelines and at risk of being disliked for not having coached the game correctly. 

So ask yourself, “What is your reality.” The answers may be surprising.