Border Line

I did it again.

I am not surprised and neither should you be, but it is always a bit mystifying how I end up here.

My intent is to have stronger boundaries. To protect my own borders. This time I will catch myself before I become all mushy again and wake up in the midst of disappointment.

Not big disappointment, but disappointment none the less. The good part of it is that I am disappointed in me not the others. Okay, mostly in me.

I start off well with my walls nicely in place. All ingress and egress are monitored. Then somehow, I become lackadaisical and begin to allow those inside to stay a bit longer. Perhaps they move some of their stuff into my space whether it is real or virtual. Soon I have issued them a “key” to allow them late arrival privileges which somehow turns into 24/7 access.

The discomfort is subtle at first. A bit of nudge or a polite “move over.” Then somehow they are sitting in the front room of my mind with their feet up wondering when dinner might be served or their laundry done.  And I will make the meals and run the errands -whether virtual or real. My mother’s mantra, “It doesn’t hurt you to ______” plays out in my head.

I do love to help people and do so willingly and with great joy. It is when that extension of myself turns to expected rather than appreciated that I often miss. I become lulled into a rhythm that has, without my knowledge, changed the rules. Now it is an expectation rather than an act of friendship or a helping hand.

The change is startling to me at times. It certainly has the ability to jolt me out of the comfort of friendship into the cold reality of entitlement. We are all selfish but when generosity is repaid in smallness, it just seems to make the world a bit colder.

Co-dependence will always be a part of who I am, but I just have to get a better handle on the boundary thing. Maybe I should install a code that I change often, but still have the override for those that have proven to appreciate coming in from the cold.