Call of the Co-Dependent

I have been mulling over the hardest parts of going co-dependent free. The first realization I had was that this idea is potentially not possible. If one is wired for compassion or empathy turning away from someone in need appears to be cold, uncaring or cruel. Add in the dash of co-dependence and it is easy to spiral out of control.

“They need me!”

“I can/could/should help.”

“They don’t know what they’re doing.”

“They’re sad/hurting/lost.”

All of those things can be true, and it can still be none of your business or at the very least not your problem to solve. It is not the initial offer of help that is the problem, but rather the repeated diving back in, grabbing their heads up to hold them above water and holding on for dear life knowing you, and you alone, can save them.

Maybe. More probably they can save themselves but do not want to do the work. Staying in victim mode, or helpless mode, or lost mode is more appealing. They then have no reason to make any changes or figure out how to make the changes in their life to get what they say they want.

There is another trap. People say they want to change their situation, but they really do not want to do the work to make it happen. I know many people in debt, but they are not willing to give up their lifestyle to make it happen. Nor are they willing to sell something to facilitate a reduction. They need that new car or expensive apartment or fancy clothing. They cannot stop eating out or using food delivery. Living within their means is just too hard, but oh poor me, I have so much debt.

You can substitute the debt example to relationships or jobs, and you get the same push back. “I can’t. It’s too hard. But I need” …..fill in the blank. If you are not listening or observing, you find yourself loaning the money or writing the resume or asking for results for them. It is done unconsciously because you want to help, but they have no intention of changing their story. This is where I have had to learn to draw the line in the sand.

I no longer have much bandwidth for same story, different day. I am willing to continue to listen to the extent I see some willingness to change on their part. There has also been the realization that it is not kind to rob people of their own paths to growth, change and enlightenment. We all know that things that are given to you do not have the same value as those you earn.

So, moving forward, I am working on allowing everyone to find out in their preferred manner of learning. In that category, opinions vary.