Old Thoughts

I have been a bit at sixes and sevens today. It is a familiar feeling and yet it no longer seems to fit.

Many of the old feelings of inadequacy, letting people down, and questioning my abilities or place in the world have come bursting back to the surface. Blasting into my stream of consciousness and slowing my process down.

For some reason having to “get it right” seems huge again. I know there is no “right” and yet the mountain of self-doubt appeared and dared me to climb it. The feeling of being the only one who can do it or more to the point has been assigned to do it was the soundtrack of the day. 

All the old anxiety and negative self-talk wandered back into my psyche and took a seat at the table. My new self, my soul, knew that this was all ego and conditioning. It was ridiculous and a waste of time, but it simply sat there staring me down. Daring me to shove it aside. Mocking my belief that none of “this” matters.

I am proud of myself for pushing through the morass or maybe the molasses of it. Getting weighed down in the stickiness and familiarity of it all is an easy way out and yet the way out is challenging. There is an intimacy in these thoughts and beliefs. Old acquaintances once considered the norm, but bringing now uneasiness as the memories of unconscious living return.

It all sounds rather ominous and heavy as I reread my observations. The reality is the opposite. There is great freedom in leaving the self-judgment and fault-finding behind. Just as there is in the analysis of it and the conscious decision to free yourself from loathing and second guessing.

In the Bhagavad Gita reading we did tonight, it spoke about giving. When most of us think about giving we do it in terms of to others – friends, charities, the needy. The reading mentioned first giving to yourself. The challenge for the week is to see where you have given to yourself or where you have not and to then begin the practice of giving. By giving to yourself, you are strengthened and when you are stronger you have more to give.

I trust this gives you something to consider.